Why Children Can't Think When They're Overwhelmed

(And Why "They Know Better" Isn't True in the Moment)

Many parents have said this before:

“He knows better.”

“She understands — she’s just choosing not to listen.”

“He looked right at me. He knew exactly what he was doing.”

It feels logical.

It sounds reasonable.

And most of us grew up believing the same thing.

But here’s the truth that quietly challenges how many of us were raised:

When children are emotionally overwhelmed, they genuinely cannot think the way adults expect them to.

This isn’t permissive parenting.

It isn’t an excuse for unsafe behaviour.

And it isn’t a lack of discipline.

It’s how the brain functions under emotional stress.

What parents usually assume (and why it makes sense)

Most adults believe behaviour follows this sequence:

Think → Decide → Act

So when a child:

• throws something

• screams or melts down

• laughs at the “wrong” moment

• looks away when corrected

• refuses to comply

we assume thinking happened first.

That assumption isn’t bad parenting.

It’s adult logic applied to a developing nervous system.

The problem is — this model breaks down under emotional stress.

Why children can't think when overwhelmed

Executive function refers to the brain skills that help us:

• pause before acting

• control impulses

• remember rules

• manage emotions

• consider consequences

In young children, these skills are still developing — and they are the first to disappear when stress rises.

When a child is overwhelmed (overtired, overstimulated, scared, frustrated, or dysregulated), the brain shifts priorities.

Behaviour no longer follows thinking first.

Instead, it looks like this:

Emotional state → Nervous system reaction → Action

(Thinking comes later — if at all.)

This is why:

• consequences don’t teach lessons in the moment

• lectures don’t land

• reminders are ignored

• logic escalates the situation

The child isn’t refusing to think.

They cannot access thinking right then.

A simple way to picture it

When emotional stress rises:

• the survival system takes over

• the thinking system goes offline

This happens in adults too — we’re just better at hiding it.

“But my child looked right at me”

This is one of the most common adult misinterpretations.

Eye contact during emotional stress does not mean:

• intent

• calculation

• defiance

• mockery

It often signals:

• checking for safety

• confusion

• nervous system overload

• a stress-related pause or freeze

Some children also laugh, turn away, or freeze after an intense moment.

Adults may read this as attitude or disrespect.

Neurologically, these are stress responses, not moral choices.

Why apologies often come later — not during the meltdown

Parents sometimes say:

“See? He apologised later. That means he knew it was wrong.”

What it actually tells us:

• regulation has returned

• executive function is back online

• empathy is accessible again

A child who can apologise after calming down is showing healthy emotional development.

Expecting insight during emotional overload is like asking someone to solve a problem while they’re being shouted at.

This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries

This is where many adults hesitate — especially those raised with strict or traditional discipline.

Understanding emotional overload does not mean:

• allowing unsafe behaviour

• removing limits

• ignoring rules

It means changing the timing and method.

Safety is enforced first.

Teaching happens after regulation.

Boundaries still matter.

They’re just more effective when the brain is able to receive them.

What actually helps in the moment vs later

During emotional overwhelm:

• fewer words, not more

• calm, firm tone

• physical guidance if needed

• clear safety boundaries

• no moral lectures

After regulation returns:

• brief reflection

• naming feelings

• repair or apology

• teaching alternatives

• reinforcing expectations

This is not permissive parenting.

It’s developmentally aligned discipline.

Why “defiance” is often a mislabel

Many behaviours called defiance are actually signs of:

• emotional overload

• fatigue

• sensory overwhelm

• stress exceeding capacity

• underdeveloped regulation skills

The child isn’t saying:

“I won’t.”

They’re saying:

“I can’t — not like this.”

Reframing behaviour as a nervous system response, not a character flaw, changes how adults respond — without removing authority.

Why this is especially hard for adults raised “old school”

Many of us were taught:

• control equals respect

• compliance equals understanding

• silence equals learning

So when children don’t respond the way we expect, it can feel personal.

Shifting to a brain-based understanding of behaviour requires adults to:

• unlearn moral interpretations

• tolerate emotional discomfort

• separate safety from obedience

That discomfort doesn’t mean this approach is wrong.

It means it’s different from what we experienced.

The takeaway most parents need to hear

Children don’t misbehave because they lack morals.

They struggle because their nervous system is overwhelmed.

Teaching works:

• before stress

• after regulation

• through repetition and safety

Not during emotional overload.

When behaviour falls apart, thinking has already left the room.

If your child “knows better” later — that means the system is working.

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2007). Self-Regulation, Ego Depletion, and Motivation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 1(1), 115–128. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2007.00001.x

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2011). Building the brain’s “air traffic control” system: How early experiences shape the development of executive function. Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/How-Early-Experiences-Shape-the-Development-of-Executive-Function.pdf

Diamond, A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135–168. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-113011-143750

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. Bantam Books.

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook—What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing (Rev. ed.). Basic Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.