Your Child Isn't Giving You a Hard Time - They're Having a Hard Time

This is Part 1 of a 5-part foundational series on understanding children's behaviour, regulation and cooperation.

Scattered children’s toys and a tipped cup on a living room floor in warm light, symbolising a child feeling overwhelmed rather than being difficult.

There’s a sentence many adults say when they’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or at the end of their patience:

“They’re just giving me a hard time.”

It usually comes out during tantrums.
Or refusals.
Or the fifth “no” in a row when everyone is already late.

It sounds reasonable. It feels honest.

But most of the time, it’s wrong.

Children don’t wake up deciding to make your day harder.

They wake up with immature brains, limited regulation, limited language, and very little control over their world.

When a child looks “difficult,” what we’re usually seeing is a child who is struggling.

Behaviour Is the Message — Not the Problem

Young children cannot yet say:

“I’m overwhelmed.”
“This transition feels too abrupt.”
“My body feels out of control.”
“I don’t understand what you want from me.”

So their body speaks instead.

Through crying.
Through running away.
Through screaming “NO.”
Through collapsing on the floor over something that looks… small.

From the outside, it looks like defiance.
From the inside, it’s dysregulation.

In simple terms, dysregulation just means a child’s emotions and body feel overwhelmed and out of control.
They’re not choosing chaos — they’re responding to stress they don’t yet know how to manage.

And here’s the part many adults haven’t been told:

A dysregulated child cannot ‘behave better’ on demand.

Not because they won’t.
But because they can’t.

What’s Actually Happening in the Brain (In Plain English)

When a child is calm and settled, their thinking brain is online.
This is the part that helps with listening, reasoning, remembering rules, and making choices.

When a child is overwhelmed — tired, hungry, overstimulated, scared, rushed — the brain shifts into survival mode.

In this state:

the thinking brain goes quiet
emotions take over
the body focuses on protection, not learning

That’s why:

reasoning doesn’t work
consequences don’t land
repeating instructions often makes things worse

It’s a bit like trying to have a calm conversation with a phone that’s overheating and about to shut down.
No matter how good the message is, the system just can’t process it.

This isn’t bad behaviour.
It’s a nervous system under strain.

When Adults Misread the Moment

When we interpret behaviour as misbehaviour, our response changes — often without us realising it.

We get louder.
We get firmer.
We escalate consequences.
We demand compliance now.

But adding pressure to an already overwhelmed system doesn’t teach skills.
It teaches fear, shame, or shutdown.

This is how everyday moments quietly turn into power struggles.

Not because parents are cruel.
But because many adults were taught that behaviour is something to control, not understand.

“Hard Behaviour” vs “Having a Hard Time”

When adults see hard behaviour, we often respond with:

“Stop it.”
“You know better.”
“You’re being difficult.”
punishment or withdrawal of connection

When we recognise a child is having a hard time, we respond differently:

we prioritise safety first
we help the child settle before expecting them to listen
we hold boundaries without using fear

This doesn’t mean no boundaries.
It means boundaries without humiliation.

Because boundaries work best when a child feels safe enough to receive them.

“But Won’t They Walk All Over Me?”

This fear is common — and understandable.

Many adults grew up believing that if you don’t clamp down early, children will become spoiled, weak, or disrespectful.

But children don’t develop self-control through fear.
They develop it through repeated experiences of being supported when things feel hard.

Children learn to calm themselves by first being calmed with.
They learn limits by experiencing boundaries that are firm and fair.

This approach isn’t permissive.
It’s how regulation is built.

Where This Shows Up in Real Life

You see this when:

a toddler melts down leaving the playground
a child refuses help, then screams when help is removed
a preschooler “acts out” after holding it together all day
a child seems fine until suddenly they’re not

These moments don’t mean a child is manipulative or difficult.

They usually mean the child has run out of capacity.

And capacity is affected by things we don’t always see:

sleep
hunger
sensory overload
emotional stress
transitions
expectations that exceed development

What Children Need Instead of Punishment

Before children can listen, reflect, comply, or learn,
they need to feel safe enough to settle.

That safety comes from:

calm adult presence
predictable responses
language that explains what’s happening without judging

Not perfect adults.
Not endless patience.

Just adults regulated enough to help a child borrow calm.

Because children build regulation with us, before they can do it alone.

The Reframe That Changes Everything

Here’s the sentence that reshapes how we respond in hard moments:

“My child isn’t giving me a hard time.
They’re having a hard time.”

This doesn’t excuse behaviour.
It explains it.

And when behaviour is understood, we can teach skills instead of reacting to symptoms.

A Final Thought

If this way of seeing children feels unfamiliar — or even uncomfortable — that doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It usually means no one showed you another way.

Many adults are expected to regulate children without ever having been taught how regulation works — in kids or in themselves.

Next in the series: Why Your Child Can’t Listen When They’re Overwhelmed (And Why Repeating Yourself Makes It Worse).

References & Further Reading

Understanding Stress, Regulation, and Self-Control

Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2007). Self‐regulation, ego depletion, and motivation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 1(1), 115–128. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2007.00001.x

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook (Rev. ed.). Basic Books.

Brain Development and Emotional Processing in Children

Shonkoff, J. P., & Phillips, D. A. (Eds.). (2000). From neurons to neighborhoods: The science of early childhood development. National Academy Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.

Co-Regulation and Emotional Support

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child. Simon & Schuster.