The Friend No One Knows How to Include - What to do when someone makes everyone... a little uncomfortable

We all know someone like this.

The one who says the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Who laughs a little too loudly.

Who interrupts.

Who stands just a bit too close.

Who doesn’t quite read the room the way others do.

You’re at a table.

Everyone’s talking.

Someone says something slightly off.

There’s a pause.

Someone laughs it off.

And the conversation moves on—without them.

Sometimes they’re described as “socially awkward".

Sometimes “a bit strange”.

Sometimes people quietly label them and move on.

And then something subtle happens.

People stop sitting next to them.

Replies get shorter.

Invites become… less frequent.

Not always out of cruelty.

Sometimes just… uncertainty.

Because the truth is—

Most people don’t actually know how to include someone who makes them uncomfortable.

I’m writing this as someone who has also found myself unsure in these moments.

Inclusion Sounds Simple. It Isn’t.

We talk a lot about kindness.

“Just be nice.”

“Just include them.”

But real inclusion - the kind that happens in conversations, in group chats, in everyday interactions -

isn’t always instinctive.

Because inclusion asks something of us:

• To tolerate discomfort

• To slow down socially

• To adjust expectations

• To stay, even when it would be easier to move away

And if we’re honest…

That’s not always easy.

Humans are wired to move toward familiarity and away from uncertainty—often without realising it (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).

Not Everyone Is “Trying to Be Difficult”

Sometimes, the person in front of us:

• struggles with social cues

• processes conversations differently

• experiences anxiety but expresses it in unexpected ways

• has never been taught what others assume is “common sense”

• or is navigating something we cannot see

This may be part of a diagnosis.

Or it may simply be part of their life story.

Differences in social communication are not always about intention—they’re often about processing, timing, and interpretation (American Psychiatric Association, 2013; Milton, 2012).

Which means...

their behaviour makes sense somewhere, even if it doesn’t make sense to us.

Why We Pull Away (Even When We Don’t Mean To)

Let’s name it honestly.

We pull away because:

• We don’t know what to say

• We’re afraid of saying the wrong thing

• We don’t want to feel awkward

• We’re tired

• We don’t have the capacity to engage

And sometimes…

We just don’t want to do the extra work.

Social interactions that feel unpredictable or effortful are easier to avoid—especially when we’re already stretched (Fiske & Taylor, 2013).

That doesn’t make someone a bad person.But it does shape the kind of community we create.

Inclusion often doesn’t fail because people are unkind. It fails because people are uncomfortable—and no one taught us what to do next.

How to Include Someone (When It Doesn't Come Naturally)

Not perfection.

Not forced friendships.

Just… small, doable shifts.

1. Acknowledge the Discomfort—Without Acting on It Immediately

You can feel awkward…

and still choose not to exclude.

Discomfort isn’t danger.

Sometimes it’s just unfamiliarity.

2. Lower the Social “Performance” Expectation

Not every interaction needs to be smooth, witty, or perfectly timed.

Sometimes inclusion looks like:

• letting a conversation be a little clumsy

• not correcting every social misstep

• allowing pauses, repeats, or tangents

Rigid expectations of “appropriate behaviour” often create barriers that don’t need to be there (Goodley, 2014).

3. Offer Gentle Structure When Needed

Some people do better with a bit of guidance:

• “Hey, let’s let her finish first.”

• “We’re talking about this topic now.”

• “We’re heading off in 10 minutes.”

Clear doesn’t have to mean harsh.

Structured support is widely used in inclusive settings because it helps people navigate social expectations more easily (Ashburner et al., 2010).

4. Include in Small Ways (It Doesn’t Have to Be Big)

Inclusion isn’t always:

• inviting someone to everything

• becoming their closest friend

It can look like:

• making eye contact

• acknowledging what they said

• looping them back into a conversation

• sitting near them once in a while

Even brief moments of acknowledgment can shape whether someone feels like they belong (Walton & Cohen, 2007).

5. Know Your Capacity—and Be Honest About It

You don’t have to carry every interaction.

But there’s a difference between:

• “I don’t have capacity today”

  
  

  and

• “I will never engage at all.”

Inclusion isn’t all-or-nothing.

In the Moment, It Can Look Like This

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing what to do right then.

A few small ways to respond:

• If they interrupt → “Hang on, let her finish first—then I want to hear you.”

• If something comes out a bit off → acknowledge something, then guide

  “I see what you mean… maybe what we’re saying is…”

• If the conversation moves on too quickly → “Wait, you were saying?”

• If things get overwhelming → “Let’s come back to that later.”

Not perfect.

Not scripted.

Just enough to keep someone in the conversation - instead of quietly out of it.

Inclusion Is Not About Fixing People

It’s not about correcting them into being “more acceptable.”

It’s about asking:

Can this person still belong here, even if they are different from what I’m used to?

Exclusion often happens not because of the individual—but because environments are unwilling to adapt (Oliver, 1990).

What Children Are Quietly Learning

The way we respond to people like this…

is often the same way children learn what belonging looks like.

When children watch us exclude, avoid, or disengage - they learn who is “easy” to include… and who isn’t.

A Final Thought

Inclusion doesn’t always feel good in the moment.

Sometimes it feels slow.

Sometimes awkward.

Sometimes inconvenient.

But over time -

it shapes whether people experience the world as a place they can exist in… or one they are quietly pushed out of.

If you’ve ever felt unsure in these situations, you’re not alone.

Maybe this isn’t about getting it perfectly right.

Maybe it’s about choosing,

just a little more often -

to stay.

References

American Psychiatric Association, issuing body. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders : DSM-5-TR (5th edition, text revision.). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.

Ashburner, J., Ziviani, J., & Rodger, S. (2010). Surviving in the mainstream: Capacity of children with autism spectrum disorders to perform academically and regulate their emotions and behavior at school. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 4(1), 18–27. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2009.07.002

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497

Fiske, S. T., & Taylor, S. E. (2013). Social cognition: From brains to culture (2nd ed.). Sage.

Goodley, D. (2014). Dis/ability Studies: Theorising disablism and ableism (1st Edition.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203366974

Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: the “double empathy problem.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008

Oliver, M. (1990). The politics of disablement. Macmillan Education. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-349-20895-1

Walton, G. M., & Cohen, G. L. (2007). A Question of Belonging: Race, Social Fit, and Achievement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(1), 82–96. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.1.82