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Why Our Energy Becomes Our Child’s Energy: Co-Regulation in Real Life
- Shirlyn
- Aug 15
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 24
Saturday nights at home are usually my favourite kind of quiet. Brandon’s in his pyjamas, we’ve read a couple of books, and the mood naturally drifts towards bedtime. No big battles, no chasing him around the house — just a calm slide into sleep.
But when my mum or aunt is over, bedtime feels… different. Brandon is still the same little boy, but his energy level is on a whole different wavelength. He’s bouncing between rooms, giggling uncontrollably, inventing new “last games” that just must be played before bed. And while I love seeing the joy on his face, I also know why the night will take twice as long to wind down: the energy in the room has shifted.
It’s not that anyone’s doing something “wrong.” In fact, my family culture is all about connection, joy, and being together. We are loud talkers, big laughers, and even at solemn family events — yes, even funerals — the atmosphere can feel more like a reunion than a place of quiet reflection. That’s just who we are.
The thing is, children don’t just hear our words. They feel our tone, pace, volume, and energy. And this is where co-regulation comes in.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the way children borrow our emotional state to manage their own.
When we’re calm, our steady presence helps their nervous system settle.
When we’re high-energy, their nervous system naturally follows suit.
And when we’re unregulated — stressed, angry, anxious, or scattered — children sense it immediately. They may mirror it in their own behaviour, or retreat into themselves to cope.
Think of it as your mood being contagious — not in a “catch it if you can” way, but in a “I need your cues to figure out how to be” way.
Science backs this up: studies show that young children’s nervous systems actually sync with the adults around them. Heart rates, breathing patterns, and even stress hormone levels can align — which is why your calm presence is more powerful than any words you say.
Recent studies reinforce what this looks like in everyday life. For example, researchers have found that parent-infant “synchrony” — matching biological states like heart rate or stress cues — is linked to more stable emotional regulation in kids over time. Another study showed that when parents regulate their own digital distractions and emotional responses (like avoiding reacting in anger or frustration), it helps children build skills in managing their own emotions, especially anger or upset.
Why Kids Can Seem So Different
You might be wondering — if co-regulation is such a big deal, does that mean kids in calm households are always calmer?
Not necessarily. Children adapt to the emotional climate they experience most often, but temperament and context matter too. I know a friend whose child is the same age as Brandon — far more sedate, happy to quietly watch rather than throw themselves into the action.
And here’s the twist: while Brandon is usually full of bounce and chatter, there are certain settings where he actually steps back, quietly choosing another activity and watching from the sidelines.
And truth be told, there are moments where I feel Brandon has more emotional maturity than many adults I know. He’ll choose to step back instead of escalating a situation, or quietly move on to something else when things get too chaotic. Every time I see it, I can’t help but give myself that little side smile — because it’s a reminder that kids aren’t always the ones who need the most guidance in a room. Sometimes, they’re the ones showing us how it’s done.
Our kids aren’t fixed in one “mode” — their energy shifts with the people, the place, and the tone around them.
Why It Matters
Children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, are still learning how to shift gears emotionally. They don’t yet have a full toolbox of self-regulation skills. Instead, they rely on us to model and guide them through those shifts.
That means if bedtime is meant to be calm, but the adults are still in “party mode,” it’s much harder for the child to make that leap down to quiet. It’s like asking someone to go from dancing at a concert to falling asleep in five minutes — without a winding-down process.
What We Can Do
Co-regulation isn’t about stifling joy. It’s about making sure we match the mood we want our children to be in.
Here are a few practical shifts that help:
Notice your baseline tone
Before key moments like bedtime, meals, or transitions, check in with yourself. Are you speaking loudly? Moving quickly?
Shift consciously
Lower your voice, slow your movements, and soften your expressions. These cues tell your child’s body that it’s safe to slow down too.
Use transitional activities
Move from high-energy play to calmer play before expecting them to settle completely.
Coordinate with other caregivers
Let visiting family know that you’re helping your child wind down, so they can mirror the calmer tone.
A Gentle Reminder
One of the most useful skills we can develop as parents is being able to switch gears on purpose. I know I can be loud and animated — it’s part of my teaching style and my family’s energy. But by the later part of the day, I’m often naturally more subdued simply because I’m tired. That tiredness actually works in my favour at bedtime, helping me slip into a calmer tone without thinking.
High energy has its place — those bursts of joy, silliness, and excitement are wonderful and important for connection. But children also need practice in coming back down, and they learn that skill from us.
So next Saturday night, I’ll still welcome my mum’s laughter and Brandon’s squeals. But maybe, as bedtime nears, I’ll gently invite the room into a softer rhythm. Because the calmer we are, the easier it is for him to follow.
Quick Takeaway for Parents:
If you want your child to be calm, start by bringing yourself there first. Your energy is the blueprint they’ll follow.
If you’ve ever wondered how staying calm in the moment plays out in real life, I shared a personal story in The Night the Tea Fell — And What It Taught Me About Toddlers, Accidents, and Trust. It’s a small moment that says a lot about how our reactions shape the tone for our children.
References
Alonso, A., McDorman, S. A., & Romeo, R. R. (2024). How parent–child brain‐to‐brain synchrony can inform the study of child development. Child Development Perspectives, 18(1), 26–35. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12494
Bornstein, M. H., & Esposito, G. (2023). Coregulation: A Multilevel Approach via Biology and Behavior. Children (Basel), 10(8), 1323. https://doi.org/10.3390/children10081323
Diaz-Rojas, F., Matsunaga, M., & Myowa, M. (2025). Connected brains, connected bodies: A comprehensive model of parent-infant allostatic co-regulation. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 176, Article 106277. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2025.106277
Feldman, R. (2007). Parent-Infant Synchrony: Biological Foundations and Developmental Outcomes. Current Directions in Psychological Science : A Journal of the American Psychological Society, 16(6), 340–345. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2007.00532.x
Konok, V., Binet, M.-A., Korom, Á., Pogány, Á., Miklósi, Á., & Fitzpatrick, C. (2024). Cure for tantrums? Longitudinal associations between parental digital emotion regulation and children’s self-regulatory skills. Frontiers in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 3, 1276154. https://doi.org/10.3389/frcha.2024.1276154
Waters, S. F., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2014). Stress Contagion: Physiological Covariation Between Mothers and Infants. Psychological Science, 25(4), 934–942. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797613518352
Webb, N. B. (2005). Applying Principles of Neurodevelopment to Clinical Work with Maltreated and Traumatized Children. In Working with Traumatized Youth in Child Welfare. Guilford Publications.
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